Wedding Ministry by Design

Foundations for Marriage

Let’s Talk About Sex

As a society, the human race, and more particularly, Americans, have enough hang-ups about sex to last an eternity. In marriage, although sex makes up but a small part of the marriage and marrying for the purpose of having sex is a recipe for disaster, sexual hang-ups come in a variety of shapes and sizes. People either place too much emphasis on sex, or else they tend to sweep it under the rug because of negative associations. I would like to address both extremes here.

There are many reasons why NOT to get married and marrying for the sake of sex is one of the top reasons. When you’re in your teens or twenties, you will have several waves of libido that you will have a desire to satisfy. Marriage was intended by God to get better with age. When you marry on a wave of libido when you are young, your marriage can only go in one direction. Down. Believe it or not, you will get older. Your mate will get older. You won’t be quite as attractive as when you were young and neither will your mate. You won’t have the sexual stamina nor drive that you have when you are young, and neither will your mate. So, when you build your marital relationship on sex, rather than on the capacity to love, once you begin to lose that sexual desire, you’re doomed.

The second big sexual hang-up for married couples, and the primary one I wanted to address here, is having negative associations with sex. Though perhaps not so much today, but for many generations young women were taught by their well-intentioned mothers that sex was a “wifely duty, not to be enjoyed”.  This overly stoic, puritan view is hardly as God intended. 

Past associations and guilt often play a critical role in forming opinions about sex within the marriage. People, and this is directed primarily at women, often associate sex with a negative experience in their lives and place mental roadblocks upon their sexual relationship with their husbands.  If you, as a wife, have been sexually abused in the past, you may certainly want to seek counseling to obtain the proper perspective of marital sex, but you should also know that God designed sex for both procreation and pleasure, for BOTH PARTNERS!  We overcome countless and severe negative associations in our lives, so don’t let this one ruin what God designed to be a blessing. 

I want to give you an example here. The music of Wagner will be forever tied to Hitler. Wagner was Hitler’s favorite composer and his music was used as a driving force behind the atrocities of the Holocaust. And yet, there is a good chance you overcame this negative associate and REQUESTED that Wagner’s Bridal March be played when you walked down the aisle at your wedding! You didn’t give a second thought to the fact that thousands died to the sound of Wagner’s music, you only associated that it was a beautiful piece that you chose as the musical backdrop to use to introduce you on your special day to your beloved. Sexual relations must be viewed in the same manor. An act of sexual abuse has nothing to do with wedded sexual bliss that God intended you to have!

If marital sex was designed by God, should it not pay spiritual dividends, and do we not owe gratitude to God for this amazing experience? Of course we do! Hesitation to accept the holiness of sex and pleasure is inadvertently insulting God and denying His gift! The guilt feelings you associate with sex must be transformed into gratitude to God. You don’t feel guilt that Wagner’s Bridal March played at your wedding. You express gratitude that he wrote such a dramatic and beautiful musical composition! So don’t feel guilt that you enjoy your husband’s caresses, thank God for it! 

Many people also begin to shun marital sex as they get older. They’ve maybe put on a few pounds and don’t consider themselves as attractive as they once were. Marriage teaches us to give what we have. God gave us each only one body and he commanded our spouses to take delight in just that one body, regardless of what kind of shape it is in. If we withhold that one body from our spouse, it becomes an absolute denial.

I’m not suggesting that this is always easy, but it is certainly worthwhile. Let it be rewarding to say, “I’m willing to give you my best, even if I don’t think my best is all that great.” That kind of commitment reminds me of Peter who told the beggar in Jerusalem, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus of Nazareth, walk.” Acts 3:6. 

Don’t fail to give anything simply because you can’t give everything. Learn to take small steps of obedience toward God, offering what you have, regardless of blemishes or limitation, by offering what you have to your spouse.  

Ladies, I would like to leave you with this thought in mind. In my opening paragraph, I mentioned that Americans are laden with sexual hang-ups. Lose any inhibitions you may have for just one moment and listen closely to what I am going to tell you here. While the male sexual organ has multiple functions, the female clitoris has but one – sexual pleasure. By design, God created a bodily organ that has no other function than to provide women with sexual pleasure. This wasn’t Satan’s idea, it was GOD’S! And God called every bit of His creation “very good” (Genesis 1:31).

Pastor Monty Rainey

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