Wedding Ministry by Design

Foundations for Marriage

He's perfect! I can't wait to change him.

Not too long ago, we were at the dinner table with our 27 year old daughter, who is in a pretty serious relationship with a great young man. We were engaged in casual dinner conversation and the subject came up that my daughter's boyfriend keeps a loaded pistol on his nightstand. I thought nothing of it since he works in law enforcement and also since I have kept a loaded pistol in my nightstand for years. I forgot momentarily that Denise has an unfounded phobia of guns and passed that trait down to her youngest. 

That really has nothing to do with what I want to write about here, but I had to set the stage and this conversation just happened to be about having a gun beside the bed. It could have been literally any other topic in the world, and I'm not here to debate gun control, so let's move on.

Anyway, to get to the point, let's just say I came unraveled when I heard our daughter say, rather emphatically, "Well, if we get married, the whole gun by the bed thing has to go!" Again, I didn't come unraveled because of anything to with the pros and cons of gun control, I came unraveled because of the intention of her statement. 

I asked her a series of questions; "Is he the man of your dreams? Is he everything you ever wanted in a husband? Do you think he would make a good and devoted husband?" Of course her answer was an emphatic series of yeses. So I asked, "Then why would you want to change him if you got married?" Now the rest of the conversation is irrelevant to the point I want to make. 

Ladies, I don't mean to pick on you, but this trait seems to be some sort of female DNA function that most men don't have. Notice I said "most", certainly not all. I've seen men guilty of this as well. But women seem to have this incessant need to turn Mr. Right into Mr. Right-where-I-want-you. Oh, what dangerous games we play. 

I want you to understand, your beloved may change many things about themselves as your relationship matures. For example, if he is somewhat of a thrill seeker, once he comes to terms with his new responsibilities, he may decide it's time to give up riding dirt bikes or hang gliding. He or she may adjust their spending habits to be more thrifty with the family budget. At least let's hope so. But, even though we are now part of a couple, we are still individuals and we still have certain habits that have become a part of us. Some of those habits may change instantly, some may change over time, and some will NEVER change!

Regardless of whether or not change occurs, one thing is for sure; when you start trying to force change upon your mate, you're asking for trouble. The best you can possibly hope for is that your beloved will not resent you too badly. Here's how this is often viewed; "She got that ring on her finger, now she wants me to become someone I'm not! If she doesn't like who I am, then why did she marry me?!?!" You get the idea.

Even in the best of relationships, there will always be things about our mate we would change if we could. The question is, can we accept things as they are, because there is never a guarantee that your mate will make the changes you would like to see. And I'm not saying you should never bridge the subject. It's okay to let your mate know that you would greatly appreciate it if he or she would not squeeze the toothpaste in the middle, but if he or she doesn't alter their behavior or habits you have to be a big enough person to learn to live with it. 

I'm not telling you that you have to be a doormat, but I am telling you that going into your marriage with the idea that you will change your mate into the person you want them to be is a disaster. Now, repeat after me, "God grant me the serenity to to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Pastor Monty Rainey

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