Wedding Ministry by Design

Foundations for Marriage

Growth Out of Conflict

The Bible doesn't tell us much about it, but one thing is certain; after the fall, Adam and Eve had conflict. Every relationship has conflict, and in marriage, it is an inevitable obstacle. There are many different approaches to obstacles in our lives. Many people try to find ways around obstacles, but this only prolongs the inevitable. This glossing over of disagreements isn't creating fellowship in the marriage, it is simply polite pretending. Sooner or later, that obstacle will stand before you again and sooner or later, you are going to have to not only find a way to overcome the obstacle, but how to grow from the experience. Sooner or later, we must overcome the natural tendency to flee from the challenge.

Marriage challenges this "flight" tendency, insisting that we work through the problem to find an agreeable solution. The absence of conflict in marriage, though many would consider ideal, is more often a demonstration that neither spouse believes the relationship is worth fighting for or that both husband and wife are too insecure to risk disagreement. In such cases, when disagreement does arise, as it inevitably will, the flight tendency returns, often with drastic results. So how do we learn to achieve growth out of conflict? 

To truly resolve any conflict, we must learn to be more engaged, not less. Just when we are poised to tell our mate how we feel, we must learn to be quiet and listen to their complaint. Just when we are striving to be understood, we must strive to understand. Just when our goal is to point our our mates' faults, we must examine our own. 

Every story has two sides to it. In the courtroom, the jury hears the prosecution, then hears from the defense before it reaches a conclusion. In marriage, we must always remember that "perception is reality". In marriage, both husband and wife have the perception that they are absolutely right and their spouse is absolutely wrong. We cannot reach a fair and workable resolution until both perceptions are understood. It's no easy task to hold our tongues and intently listen to the other side, but it is how we learn to successfully negotiate conflict. One of the most famous conflicts in the Bible involve God and Jacob. The two struggled throughout the night and in the end, the struggle so transformed Jacob that his name was changed to Israel (he struggles with God) and God would build an entire nation out of Jacob's descendants. Imagine if Jacob had fled from the struggle. We must learn from this that our first lesson in achieving growth out of conflict is to face the conflict and find a resolution. 

The second lesson in achieving growth out of conflict is compromise. In the current "me" society of instant gratification, compromise has become somewhat of a dirty word, but it is critical for a successful marriage. In marriage, compromise is not only a way of expressing love, it is proof that we are willing to give ground for the sake of the marriage. It becomes an expression that we value the marriage and our spouses happiness more than we value asserting our own demands. There is a wise saying that we must learn to "pick our battles" and there is no truer venue for that bit of wisdom than in the marriage. When you learn to compromise within the marriage, you're not showing weakness, you are showing strength. You are showing your spouse that you have the strength to forego your own desires for theirs. To be successful and achieve growth, you must not only learn to give ground, but you must also learn how not to gloat when ground is given in return. 

The next critical element of growth is acceptance. By that I mean you must accept that your spouse is a "real person". After time, the man a wife once viewed as confident, is now seen as arrogant. The wife who once attracted her husband with her quiet and gentle personality is now viewed as weak and unworthy of respect. When we base our marriage on the romanticism that our mate is flawless, we are in for a great fall. The challenge here becomes not to keep on loving the person we thought we married, but to love the person we did marry! This element of growth also demands loyalty. Just because a younger woman or more sensitive man comes along doesn't mean we renege on the commitment we made. 

So how do we tie all of this together? How is facing conflict by hearing both sides, striving towards the ability to compromise, and practicing acceptance and loyalty going to help us achieve growth both spiritually and within our marriage? God's word tells us through Paul in Ephesians 5:25, that husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the church. Based on this instruction for how to treat our spouses, regardless of how they may or may not respond, we are called upon to be a servant to our spouse. This is a spiritual service we owe, not to our spouse because of who and what they are, but to God because of who and what HE is. To become a servant causes us to grow spiritually. It means we become free from pettiness that ruins so many marriages. When true service is offered up with a focus on adhering to God's Doctrine for us, we will benefit through both spiritual growth and marital growth. 

If we truly believe that our roles as husband and wife are representative in the Church Age to Christ and the Church, we must learn to extend grace and forgiveness to our spouses when they have sinned against us, just as Christ forgives his sinful bride. If we can learn to forgive and accept our imperfect spouses, we become better equipped to offer forgiveness to others outside our marriage. 

When you stood before God and made your wedding vows, you made lifelong commitments to your spouse. Any step back, and pause or retreat, becomes an act of fraud based upon those vows. By learning how to resolve conflicts through being more engaged, learning to compromise and excepting our spouse as a real person, we force both spiritual and marital growth and move closer to God and the person he has given us for the purpose of teaching us how to love. 

Pastor Monty Rainey

  Website designed by Monty Rainey © 2006 Monty Rainey, All Rights Reserved